I started listening to Carlin around the time I was a Freshman in High School, and for better or worse, he shaped a lot of my outlook back then. And still does, but really it's hard work being that angry all the time so I had to calm down. He might have major psychotic fucking hatreds, but for me it's OK to have pet peeves.
My first idea for mourning the man was to go to the bar with my friends and raise a pint of Arrogant Bastard Ale, for a real Arrogant Bastard...unfortunately due to the New York State Driver's Assessment fee I'm dead broke. SO for now I'll just recount some of my favorite Brain Droppings. And go to the bar after I get paid on Friday.
- "I don't have Pet Peeves, I have major, psychotic fucking hatreds"
- "Just last week I either ran over a sheep, or a man standing in the road wearing a sheepskin suit."
- "If you're looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else? That's not self-help...THAT'S HELP! There's no such thing as self-help...if you did it yourself, you didn't need help! Try to pay attention to the language we've all agreed on."
- "And one more item about children: this superstitious nonsense of blaming tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listen! Kids don't smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to. They smoke for the same reasons adults do, because it's an enjoyable activity that relieves anxiety and depression."
- "Either get a hat or don't. No one's interested in the top of your head. Go back to the store and tell them to give you the rest of the hat. They've cheated you."
- "And then we're gonna colonize deep space. With our microwave hot-dogs, and plastic vomit, fake dog shit and cinnamon dental floss, and lemon scented toilet paper, and sneakers with lights in the heels. And all these other impressive things we've done down here."
- "The truth is obedience and respect should not be automatic. They should be earned, and based on the parent's performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don't. Period."
- "You ever notice anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?"
- "I have a strong immune system and it gets a lot of practice. My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles, with night vision and laser scopes. And we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. So when my white blood cells are on patrol reconnoitering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any...ANY suspicious looking germs of any kind they DON'T FUCK AROUND. They whip out the weapons, wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon. No nonsense. There's no Miranda warning, none of this 3 strikes and you're out shit. First offense: BAM! into the colon you go!"
For some reason I can't go a day without thinking of these 2:
- "You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them!"
- "You just need to wash the 4 key areas: Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth!"
And of course:
"Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits."
Listening to Carlin I noticed how easy it could be to use language to change something that made me mad into something I could laugh at.